I don't post much about my personal life here - just the snippets that go along with my parenting stories or reviews. So forgive me if this may seem a little raw for your tastes, if bare-your-soul-honesty is not for you...
But I think I'm losing it. I'm exhausted: physically, emotionally, and mentally. I want to scream, kick, cry... I want to throw that tantrum that I worked so hard to keep my three year old from pitching in the backseat of the car while I was trying to drive. I want to curl up in a ball and pretend that the world doesn't exist - for just a little while!
And I feel so guilty for thinking this way. After all, how can I possibly have it any worse than any other mom out there? I get seven hours a day to myself. The kids go to daycare until 3, the fiance is at work until 6... I get to focus on my school work and get the house clean and sometimes even indulge in a little Netflix before having to pick the little ones back up.
After all that peace and quiet though, and only for the last week or two, at 3:00pm - the urge to run away comes back. I have a ten-month old who just had six (yes, six) teeth come in all at once. Never mind the ear infection that she's been battling for the last 3 weeks. Add that to the separation anxiety phase, and I'm stuck with a baby on my hip for the rest of the evening. That's just the baby. The three-year old is going through some kind of mean streak, where if by chance I'm able to set my baby girl down, he'll come over and kick her - just to make her cry I think. Then I have to run back and scoop her up again, and attempt to discipline my toddler without causing him to have an emotional breakdown too.
Then, at 3:30, the step-daughter walks in the door. I never knew a seven-year-old could be so ornery, so difficult... We've butted heads for as long as I've been a part of her life (the last 4 years) and there really isn't any way to connect with her because she's had it drilled into her head by the other family that she doesn't have to listen to me. She's having some difficulty paying attention and doing her work in school right now, and I'm fairly certain she has ADHD - but the "other family" is in denial and refuses to let her get treatment or counseling.
And then there's me. Sitting on the floor protecting my baby, comforting my toddler, and attempting to connect with my step-daughter, all while fighting the thoughts racing through my head that I DONT WANT TO BE HERE.
I didn't have postpartum depression after having either of my children. I love them more than life itself, and I haven't started neglecting any of my parenting duties... but man, I can't get rid of these feelings of absolute overload from the minute I see their faces.
Please tell me I'm not alone. Have you ever experienced this utter despair when it comes to parenting?
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oh, girl! you are soooo not alone!! The urge to run away still hits me at times, and mine are teenagers! hang in there, mom!! the rough moments don't last forever, even though they seem like it! come on over, I'll fix some decaf coffee and chocolate chip cookies and you can take a nap ;)
ReplyDeleteI can't even tell you how good a nap and cookies sound right now lol. Thanks hun :)
DeleteYou are not alone!!!! I work outside of the home all day and still feel like I'm going to lose it between the nighttime tantrums and lack of sleep. Keep your head up - we're here for you!
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. I have many days that I feel the exact same way
ReplyDeleteI am right there with you girl. It is hard being a mom, trying to be perfect! Keep your head up and take it day by day. It will get better. I promise. :) http://www.coastalkel.com
ReplyDeleteYou are not the only one. And I'm so glad you wrote this because I've had those very same feelings just this week and felt like the world's worst mum for feeling them. I've had a couple of dark days recently and actually wondered whether it's possible to get PPD 14 months after the babies arrive! I guess we just need to stick together, accept that we are not, and never will be super mum, and make the most of the good days.
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely NOT alone! Anyone who would fault you for being honest about your completely normal and understandable feelings is either not a parent or in denial themselves. See if you can get some counseling, yourself, maybe, just so you have a neutral third party to talk to about these things. You have some major changes you've gone through, and more on the way after you get married. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteThis happens to em all the time. I just can't cope some days. I have strong urges to flee several times a month. I think it's a completely normal part of being human. Although motherhood takes so much of us, it isn't the only thing that defines us. I think taking time to refresh will be beneficial. I get one day a week to sleep in, run errands alone, and maybe get in a craft project or two to completion. It gives me something to look forward to and totally rejuvenates me!
ReplyDeleteI'm so thrilled that the Blogging Mamas are doing these linkups---I love you ladies! Let's put it this way...I'm on my 2nd glass of wine tonight. I think the kiddo may be getting a formula bottle for her next feeding, it's been one of those days. I'm a work at home mama and the kiddo refused to be put down or nap until today until the last half hour or so. I felt horrible trying to get a few things done today when she'd start fussing and I'd pick her back up (though I felt like it was probably belatedly and I waited too long to pick her up and then the guilt would set in and I'd question whether I let her cry too long) The crazy thing was today my blog post was all about balance. lol. Yeah, balance.....ha.
ReplyDeleteIt's a roller coaster indeed....a wild, whirlwind, wonderfully exhilarating ride, but still a rollercoaster nonetheless. :) On that note...I think it's time for one more teeny-tiny maybe 1/4 glass of wine ;) the kiddo is still sleeping after all.
I can't say I feel utter despair...but I def. do feel guilt at times and am always paranoid whether I am doing all that I can. But cest' la vie...it's loving them with our whole heart that counts right?
I really appreciate when other mom's share their frustrations. I think every mom feels like this at times and it is a good reminder that its normal when you are able to connect and talk about it. I hope that writing this out was therapeutic for you!
ReplyDeleteI stay at home with my 2 little boys all day every day. I often have to keep reminding myself how lucky I am to have the opportunity to be a stay-at-home-mom because sometimes, a day going to work and dealing with only adults sounds like heaven.
ReplyDelete