Did you know that one in five women suffers from depression at some point in their lives? I'm one of them. My dad passed away when I was 21. Under my watch. Under my care. I woke up the morning of January 19th, walked right past him sleeping on the couch into the office to play on the computer - careful not to wake him up. Decided I was still tired, and went back to bed. When I got up 3 hours later, I realized he still hadn't gotten up. Checked on him and realized he wasn't breathing. He hadn't been breathing for several hours. That image, that feeling of realization - it's never left me. I dont think it ever will.
My dad was my best friend. He was the laughter in an otherwise gloomy day; the one who always made me feel better when I was down. And he was gone.
I called the ambulance. They called the coroner. They had me step out of the room while they moved him. The whole time I was in shock - this wasn't supposed to happen. I mean, my daddy was supposed to walk me down the aisle when I got married. He was supposed to spoil his future grandchildren and then turn into a crotchety old man that shook his cane at the young whippersnappers. He was supposed to live forever - he was my superman.
That's when the idea of mortality, the idea that death is closer that we think, really hit me. Did I start living life to the fullest? Did I reach out to make new connections and pull those I love closer to me? No. Instead, I curled up into a metaphorical fetal position and hid from the world. I didn't want to be here, I didn't want to live in a world that caused me pain. I contemplated suicide; I thought that ending it would make the hurting stop.
I started a new relationship. I started a new life. But the entire time, all I could think about was how it was temporary because I wouldn't be here much longer. I didn't want to be here. The wounds from losing my dad were still raw, but it was more than that. I became a recluse, this shell of a person that had forgotten how to laugh. I'm still not sure how I functioned.
For those of you who are lucky enough to not have ever experienced depression, let me tell you what it's like. When you're depressed, you're a victim of your own mind. You have this criticizing little voice inside your head that won't let you be happy, because for some reason you don't deserve happiness. But it isn't all about being sad. No, it's more like a lack of emotion. You can't feel anymore. There's this numbness that sets in, this void of cataclysmic darkness - but you're at home there. You're welcome in this hole in yourself, and stepping out of that safety zone is scarier than the idea of getting lost in it.
If you've never seen this video, this is depression:
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