8 Things I want my Step-Daughter to Know

Life as a step-mom isn't always easy, especially when the real mom is still very much a part of the child's life. Even though I'm sure my step-daughter will never read this, I really wanted to write the things that I hope she will one day come to realize.

Dear Step-Daughter,

I've been a part of your life since you were three.  That's five years that I have brushed your hair, tucked you in, gave you medicine when you were sick, and chased away your bad dreams.  Five years of me holding your hand across the parking lots, telling you to be careful, and telling you to eat your broccoli.  You may think I'm the Evil Step-Mother, but here are a few truths that I want you to learn as you get older.

I love you.  In my own mind, I stepped into the "mom" role way before I had any children of my own. You have a special place in my heart just like your siblings, and you were here first.  So when I'm getting on to you for doing something careless, when I'm pushing you to get better grades, and when I scold you for getting in trouble at school - it's because I want to see you succeed.  I want for you the same things I want for the little people that I gave birth to: to be safe, to always try your hardest, and to be a good person.

I'm not trying to replace your mom.  She's always going to be a bigger part of your life than I am, and I accept that.  Since I have my own kids, I know how special that mom-child bond is, and I try my hardest not to interfere with that.  Although you may hear me mutter some incomprehensible words under my breath when she drops you off, please know that I'm not trying to make you see her like I do.  That's why all conversations that involve her usually happen after you're in bed.

I don't always agree with your mom's parenting methods.  I never will.  I believe in science, medicine, and structure.  She believes in freedom, homeopathy, and nature.  Yet, it's not my choice on how you are raised.  I do have input, with your father, and will make suggestions.  However, you will never be treated exactly like your brother and sister because I can't legally go against your mother's wishes.

I will go against your mom's wishes, in some cases.  Luckily, your dad views much of parenting as I do.  I took you for your vaccines, I had you tested for ADHD, and I've had meetings with your teachers.  I give you your medication every day to help you reach the potential that we know is there, even though your mom refuses to believe that you have any problems.

I will never give you complete freedom.  Your insistence on wearing mini-skirts or shirts that are too tight is something that I'm sure we will battle about until you are 18.  I don't care what your mom lets you wear (I do, but I can't do anything about it), I want you to realize that some things are not appropriate.  The same goes for wanting to wear stilettos to school.  Kid, you're 8.  I didn't start fighting my mom about things like that until I was well into my teens, and she wouldn't let me leave the house like that either.  I want you to be treated with respect, and to have respect for yourself.  That starts with your appearance, and then goes on to your behavior.

I'm here to stay.  I've been with your father for 5 years.  Things have gotten rough, there have been times when we almost split up - but for you, and your brother and sister, we have worked things out.  That's not to say that we're only together for you guys, but you factored largely into our commitment to each other.  It was because of you children that I was able to forgive your father for cheating on me, and for us to work past it.  I am a constant - remember that.

We will butt heads.  It's already started, and you haven't even reached puberty yet.  I know that you will hate me before it's over with, but I hope with all my heart that as you become a grown woman, you will understand my methods and realize I have only done what is best for you.  I will try to pick and choose my battles, because I don't want us to fight all the time, but in your eyes I will always be the "other woman" and will never compare to your real mom.  That's fine, but I hope that at least a little of what I teach you will stick.

And the last thing that I hope you learn, is that you are a very special girl.  You are intelligent, beautiful, and sensitive.  You've helped shape me into the woman that I am, and I can only hope that I can help do the same for you.  I love you like you're one of my own, even if you never will be.

Love always,

Your Step-Mom