"That's What's Wrong with Kids Today"

I got into an argument with my mom yesterday.  It wasn't a knock-down drag-out or anything, but it did make me realize just how different our parenting styles are.  It was one of those conversations that spawned from some comment made from an older lady we met at the store.  I heard the phrase, "Well that's what's wrong with kids today."

I'm sorry, what?

My mom and this lady talked for a good ten minutes about how much of a difference it would make if parents would just spank their children.  When we got back out to the car (I didn't want to make a scene) I let my mom have it.

"You know, what if 'what's wrong with kids today' is that the parents were spanked as children?"  She wasn't sure what to make of that.  "You know, Mom, look at me.  We were spanked.  Do you think it helped?"

What if "what's wrong with kids today" is that the parents were spanked as children? - Tweet This

This is an argument I have with my fiance on a fairly regular basis.  I'm not ok.  I turned out to be a panic-driven, depressed adult who has a hard time functioning in the real world.  My siblings?  I love them, and they are some of the most important people in my world.  However, they're not ok either.  I have a sister who is a frequent visitor to the county jail - who by the way is facing multiple drug-related charges and about to be shipped off to prison soon.  My brother?  He's has five kids, by three different women, and just got out of prison himself.  He's 22.  I have another sister who is doing fairly well right now, with a happy family, a job, and a nice home - but she also battles panic disorder and is a recovering alcoholic.

So no, Mom, your "parenting techniques" didn't work.  Forgive me for refusing your advice.


I'm not saying that a parent's choice to spank is a wrong one.  There was a lot more going on in my childhood for me to put all the blame blame of our problems on a few swats on the butt.  But please, stop saying that lack of discipline is the problem.  Negligence, inconsistency, being too busy to spend time with your kids - that's the problem.

I'm not out to preach about love and tenderness and the perfect harmony of parenting - I'm a stress-ball nut job when I'm left alone with my kids for too long.  They're 1 and 3, plus the 8 year old step-daughter, and they're loud, defiant, and messy. They're children!  I don't let them walk all over me.  I don't give them freedom to behave however they please.  I teach them that there are consequences to their actions, and that bad behavior is not rewarded.  I don't want them to grow up to fear me, and respect is not something earned with pain.

There is so much research out there that says that spanking does more harm than good, why aren't we reading and applying this to our normal parenting regime?  Canadian Medical Journal, published in 2012: "Physical punishment of children and youth plays no useful role in their upbringing, and poses only risks to their development."

What risks does spanking impose?

"These [risks] include weakening the tie between children and parents and increasing the probability that the child will hit other children and their parents, and as adults, hit a dating or marital partner. Spanking also slows down mental development and lowers the probability of a child doing well in school." - Murray Straus, founder and co-director of the UNH Family Research Laboratory and professor emeritus of sociology.

Why does everyone keep saying, "I was spanked as a kid, I turned out ok.  I learned right from wrong, and I learned to behave."  Wrong.  You learned that being bad resulted in pain, so a part of your brain made you fear the consequences.  So did you learn right from wrong, or did you learn fear?  I live in fear of everything, everyday, with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  I don't want my kids to be afraid of everything.  I want them to know empathy, sympathy, and how to make the world a better place.

Do your kids a favor.  Before you start hitting them because you're angry, do some research.  See if spanking is how you really want to discipline your children.  These precious beings that you created.