Don't Be the Evil Stepmother

Being a step-mom is no walk in the park.  Being a step-mom and then having children is even tougher.  Then there's the worst - being a step-mom, sharing custody, and then having new children.  I wish I could say that there was a manual that explained the roles, responsibilities, emotions, and scenarios with step-parenting, but there isn't.  Heck, I would be happy with a what to do/what not to do list.  The truth is, every situation is different, and the best you can do is learn what works best for your family.

I started dating Matt when Alexis was three years old.  He has primary custody, but he and Alexis's mother share custody.  We have her every other week, and split holidays.  We had Sammy when Lexi was 4, and Kaya two and a half years later.  After almost 4 years of being a step-parent, I can share with you what I know doesn't work, and a few things that I've learned really help with the situation.

• First off, don't expect to feel the same way about your stepchildren as you do your biological children. If you love your stepkids, that is awesome!  But love isn't something that can be forced, nor is it something that comes with the role.  You don't even have to like them that much, as long as you treat them with kindness, compassion, and understanding.  This isn't easy for them either, and I can guarantee you that if you're the wicked stepmother, it will just make it harder for everyone.  

• Don't say hateful things about the real mother.  No matter how hard you have to bite your tongue, saying hurtful things about their mom will only break their little hearts and make them resent you.  I know this one from experience.  My step-dad used to always say things about my dad that, even though I knew they weren't true, hurt like nothing else.

• Don't try to replace their mother.  You have to understand, as long as these children are old enough to know their real mother, you will never be as special to them as she is.  They will talk about her, make her Mother's Day gifts, and you'll probably get jealous.  Let them.

Above all else, remember that you are with their father because you love him. Up to 80% of all second marriages fail when children are brought in from a previous relationship.  Make special time for you and your spouse, and come up with some form of system that works for everyone.

Do you have stepchildren?  What works best for you?